Bond in the Bo-Kaap

As far as counter-revolutionaries go, James Bond must be right at the top of Julius Malema’s shitlist – Bond is the supreme mlungu.

The latest Bond novel, Carte Blanche by Jeffrey Deaver, has the MI6 assassin travelling to Cape Town’s Bo-Kaap, “eat[ing] bobotie” and “drink[ing] Zulu beer” – possibly because the waiter thought caviar was a brand of running shoe, and there’s no way he’d find a decent martini in Long Street.

One can only imagine Bond emptying his Walther into an attacker in a curious neon-yellow bib, completely unaware that it was just the car guard about to demand a “Five Rand” for his efforts.

I wonder if Her Majesty’s most famous spy, his mind on more important matters such as saving the world, would bother to find a bin for all the nightclub pamphlets stuffed behind his windscreen wiper or if he’d just throw them in the gutter?

“The Mother City features in more than half of the book and next time you walk through the streets of Cape Town, you may just look at it through different eyes,” writes Claire of Jonathan Ball Publishers.

What? We might imagine the streets of Cape Town rife with gunfire and intimidation? Violence and murder?

Not a stretch, I’ll be honest.

What does require an elasticity of the imagination is Bond teaming up with “a feisty police inspector in the SAPS” – all the coppers I’ve come across are more rotund than ripped, and about as feisty as the wife before her morning tea.

Bond villains have always been eccentric, and the everyday Capey with no front teeth, cap balancing precariously on his head and pants around his knees must have made JB paranoid beyond belief.

Was it intentional to name the book after MNET’s most famous investigative journalism show from the telly? Maybe he gets to meet Derek Watts – who’d definitely remind him of Jaws – or, Heaven forbid, he shags presenter Ruda Landman!

Malema, of course, would assume the British beefcake’s inherent racism as the reason he only visited the Mother City, but really they have a lot in common.

Both like to wear fancy watches, imbibe only the most expensive alcohol, and James and Juju know the importance of smart suits and automatic weapons. They also have the same views when it comes to a “nice time” without any future responsibilities.

Maybe in the next novel they’ll team up to nationalise the mines.