Breakfast choices aren’t tough when the options are All Bran Flakes, Honey Nut Cornflakes, and Crunchy Cookie Crisp Cereal, but it does cause some mild cognitive dissonance.
You see, whenever I hear the word ‘bran’ I can’t help thinking of an old lady’s toenails, and I couldn’t bring myself to eat fancy Cornflakes unless I was wearing a tie and rushing off to a board meeting – it just seems like too much of a responsible choice.
So it’s the one with the purple-nosed cartoonwolf on the front and spot-the-difference on the back.
Even if the box does boast ‘Whole Grain Guaranteed’ and ‘ With Added Vitamins’, I know a cereal made to look like little chocolate chip cookies that tastes like a bowl of refined white sugar can’t be good for me. And I’m fine with that, I just wish Chip the Wolf wouldn’t keep trying to tell me what a healthy start I’m getting.
Because I’ve been down that road, and it can only end in sorrow.
FROM THE JAWS OF TRAGEDY
According to Patrick Holford, who even Jesus would call a goody-goody, you should only eat fruit and Jungle Oats for breakfast otherwise you might be dead by Thursday. Reading his weighty tome, The Optimum Nutrition Bible, scared me so much I once stopped drinking milk and ran down the street screaming if anyone even mentioned white bread or deep-fried chips.
For a year I survived on water, green tea, low GI sawdust and anxiety. Not a drop of alcohol passed my lips and I gave smokers that look I was so used to getting from reborn Christians.
And I’ll admit I felt better than I ever had.
I used to think that sluggish mornings and mood swings and near-suicidal depression was just the way it felt to be alive. I got my arse to the gym, joined yoga classes, and started worshipping at the altar of fat-free me.
And inevitably, like any newborn religious-type person, I became incredibly judgemental of everyone else.
At the supermarket I’d look in other people’s trolleys and shake my head, tutting loudly. I watched barroom drunks and wondered if they knew the long-term repercussions of all that salt they consumed with tequila.
Soon enough I was climbing into bed at nine on a Friday so I could be up early enough to beat the crowds to the Virgin Active step machine, ordering a burger with no bun and salad instead of chips if I felt ‘naughty’, and telling people that an apple would wake you up in the morning faster than a cup of coffee.
I became the guy you didn’t invite to a Saturday braai because my non-drinking made drinkers feel uncomfortable. I cut the fat off lamb chops and brought no-mayo potato salad.
But I didn’t care about losing friends. I was an endorphin addict; a feel good junkie. And like all junkies the only thing I could think of was my next high.
Then I was waking up at 4am so I could get a run in before gym before work. On my lunch break I’d sneak off to the bathroom to do meditative breathing exercises. I’d always offer to make the tea so I could sneak in a bag of rooibos chai without anyone knowing.
If it wasn’t for the intervention I don’t know where I’d be today.
I arrived home to find my family and close friends in the front room. My secret stash of Ryvita and unsalted cashews piled embarrassingly on the coffee table next to multivitamins and a Billy Blanks Tae-Bo dvd.
I was ashamed.
With teary consent I allowed them to lock me in a dark room, away from any access to filtered water and fat-free cottage cheese. Working in shifts they sat with me through sleepless nights when all I wanted was just one push-up, and held my hand as, trembling, I took my first bite of a KFC Zinger.
ONE DAY AT A TIME
Now I’m back on track. Taking it one day at a time. I’ll often see someone with a yoga mat under their arm buying rice cakes and want to stop them, tell them that they’re making a big mistake.
It’s not worth it, I’d plead, you’ll only hurt the ones you love.
You might think you’re in control, I’d say, but that exercise bike is riding you.
End of Part One
The last thing you think, on the eve of immigration, as you stare down at your exactly 23kg stuffed suitcase is: Have I packed enough socks?
Of course, the first thing any Capetonian asks upon hearing of your imminent flight is, “You’re not stopping in Joburg, are you?” As their lips form these words a look of absolute angst will cross their face and their next sentence is always, “Because then you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”
It seems to be the one thing we all have in common, because if you believe Julius Malema then “all whites are criminals” for pinching the property long ago, and if you ask any Constantia housewife she’ll tell you that “THEY all steal!” with such certainty because she once secretly looked in her domestic worker’s coat pockets and saw some if the Lipton rooibos teabags saved especially for guests.
Whenever I hear the term ‘they’ in a South African context I can’t help but raise my eyebrows and ask, “But what would the Illuminati want with your teabags?”
After telling this same housewife you’re moving to the UK they then ask probably the most used travel cliché in South Africa, “But what about the cold weather?”
“Well,” I always reply, “it’d be nice to have something to complain about other than crime, government corruption, and the lack of Burger King.” I told Lucy if she ever hears me moan about the weather to just ask me who Julius Malema is.
In short, there’s more to life than the weather.
But after packing and repacking and weighing our luggage for the umpteenth time it looks like everything’s fine. Today, our last day in South Africa, we’re just pottering around the house, stuffing some sentimental nick-nacks in our carry-ons.
Last Wednesday my mum, brother and I buried my father’s ashes beneath a tree at Rhodes Memorial my mum and him used to picnic under. Mum said it was fitting that, after holding on selfishly to his remains for six years, we buried them just before I left.
It gave us all a magnificent feeling of closure, as well as wet faces, and mum remarked that it was such an exciting new chapter in my life. It all felt like the end of a movie, and in my mind it was less the beginning of a new chapter and more like a sequel.
But unlike most sequels, this one is bound to be as good as the original.
Of course, the first thing any Capetonian asks upon hearing of your imminent flight is, “You’re not stopping in Joburg, are you?” As their lips form these words a look of absolute angst will cross their face and their next sentence is always, “Because then you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”
It seems to be the one thing we all have in common, because if you believe Julius Malema then “all whites are criminals” for pinching the property long ago, and if you ask any Constantia housewife she’ll tell you that “THEY all steal!” with such certainty because she once secretly looked in her domestic worker’s coat pockets and saw some if the Lipton rooibos teabags saved especially for guests.
Whenever I hear the term ‘they’ in a South African context I can’t help but raise my eyebrows and ask, “But what would the Illuminati want with your teabags?”
After telling this same housewife you’re moving to the UK they then ask probably the most used travel cliché in South Africa, “But what about the cold weather?”
“Well,” I always reply, “it’d be nice to have something to complain about other than crime, government corruption, and the lack of Burger King.” I told Lucy if she ever hears me moan about the weather to just ask me who Julius Malema is.
In short, there’s more to life than the weather.
But after packing and repacking and weighing our luggage for the umpteenth time it looks like everything’s fine. Today, our last day in South Africa, we’re just pottering around the house, stuffing some sentimental nick-nacks in our carry-ons.
Last Wednesday my mum, brother and I buried my father’s ashes beneath a tree at Rhodes Memorial my mum and him used to picnic under. Mum said it was fitting that, after holding on selfishly to his remains for six years, we buried them just before I left.
It gave us all a magnificent feeling of closure, as well as wet faces, and mum remarked that it was such an exciting new chapter in my life. It all felt like the end of a movie, and in my mind it was less the beginning of a new chapter and more like a sequel.
But unlike most sequels, this one is bound to be as good as the original.
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