Snort-A-Tan with Ubertan!

The one and only time I was offered cocaine elicited a personal rule that maybe more people should adopt.

My response to the question was, “The only thing I stick up my nose is my finger.”

It seems logical to me that of all the male body’s orifices, there are three that should be used solely for substance expulsion – one of them is the nasal cavity.

Maybe this fairly straightforward rule should be taught in biology classes throughout the UK, because the Daily Mail reports that “hordes of young women” have been buying and snorting Ubertan – “It’s estimated that British users number tens of thousands.”

Ubertan’s alleged side effects include nausea, allergic reactions and heart palpitations.

A Google search directed me to a non-existent ubertan.com and a forum where the substance is enthusiastically punted by a woman named Catherine saying it was “totally brill” and that the only side effects were a “loss of appetite”.

The fact is that this Catherine sounds less like a real person and more like the boiled slugs that roll around in dodgy marketing departments. She claims that Ubertan is “a plant extract, with Amino and Fatty Acids that increases the Melanin in your skin.”

On the same forum Scott Stevenson tells us, “This is almost definitely rebranded Melanotan II…Claims that it is simply made of 'plant extracts' are dubious at best.” He carries on about something I’d never heard of called Melanotan, which is another tanning product sold as a nasal spray.

Further investigation found this site that calls Melanotan ‘The Barbie Drug’ and reveals that the product has been having trouble gaining regulatory approval in Australia and the US, whose FDA said, “The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a Warning Letter to Brian Manookian, owner of Melanocorp, Inc. in Hendersonville, Tenn. for the illegal sale and marketing of the product Melanotan II, which is not FDA-approved, on Melanocorp's Web site. FDA recommends that consumers who are currently using Melanotan II stop using this product and consult their health care provider if they have experienced any adverse events that they suspect are related to its use.”

Apparently, it is flat-out illegal in the UK.

The infamous Catherine gives her UK number (07542 287 148), so call her if you've had a bad day and want to hurl abuse at someone.

My advice is that if your hairdresser or beauty therapist offers this product to you, slap them across the face… and if you know someone who is using it slap them too.

And some more good advice: Don’t drink moisturiser!