The Quotable Malema

If it was put to a vote, I’d bet that the majority of South Africans would ditch the proposed ‘African Union’ for the cooler sounding ‘United States of Africa’. Not because of any conceptual conflict, but just coz here in SA we’re kind of obsessed with anything American.

They’ve got bimbo Paris Hilton – we’ve got Khanyi Mbau. They’ve got floppy haired, reality show rich guy Donald Trump – we’ve got BEE wannabe Tokyo Sexwale.

And do I even need to mention Chuck Norris and Steve Hofmeyer?

Most of the time the Yanks top us, but when it comes to embarrassing politicians a hundred Bushes and Palins couldn’t reach the wading-in-his-own-bullshit ankles of our own Julius Malema.

I’ve picked ten of my fave quotes from Sir Juju on a number of topics, but there are hundreds more.

Here goes:

1. On the ANC’s chances of a two-thirds majority: “Two-third majority? Our aim is a three-thirds majority!” (My guess is that his maths is as bad as his woodwork.)

2. On rape: “When a woman didn’t enjoy it, she leaves early in the morning. Those who had a nice time will wait until the sun comes out, request breakfast and ask for taxi money.” (That's why, guys, it's safer for your confidence levels if you get a flat near a taxi rank.)

3. In response to his 14 traffic fines (over five grand): "I only know revolution, I don’t know anything about driving.” (Sounds like most of the taxi drivers.)

4. To a BBC journalist: “Rubbish is what you have covered in that trousers!” (The journo obviously forgot to comb his pubes that morning.)

5. On Zuma (in 2009): “If Zuma is corrupt, then we want him with all his corruption. We want him with all his weaknesses. If he is uneducated, then we want him as our uneducated president.” (Luckily for Zuma, SA women have such low standards as well.)

6. In a Third Degree interview with Debra Patta, asked if he would kill himself after failing Matric: “Kill myself? I would rather commit suicide!” (Well, what can you say to that?)

7. On the Caster Semenya scandal: “Hermaphrodite, what is that? Somebody tell me, what is hermaphrodite in Pedi? There's no such thing... hermaphrodite... in Pedi. So don't impose your hermaphrodite concepts on us.” (Actually, there is a word for 'hermaphrodite' in Pedi - it's 'Kgalamatona'.

8. After a complaint about noise from a party at his house: ““Do you know who I am? Do you know what I can do? Who the fuck are you?” (As far as catchphrases go, that's gotta be up there.)

9. On why he doesn’t read the newspaper: "When I want to know about a certain country I will make a research about it and go through the relevant material. I don't just read everything that is going to mislead me." (That's just what I said to the guy handing out free copies of The New Age.)

10. And the famous: "We are prepared to die for Zuma! We are prepared to take up arms and kill for Zuma!” (After the uproar he explained that the word 'kill' was used to show 'love and compassion'... he then asked for taxi money.)

We can look forward to even more when we elect Juju as our 'President for Life' in 2019 or around there.

So proud!