Too many of my friends refuse to watch the telly show Glee because they fear that liking it might make them question their sexuality. My wife and I bang on about it so much someone remarked that we sound like freshly brainwashed Christians.
I’m not sure what it is about Glee – the singing, the slushies-in-the-face, but one thing that stands out is the heinous, Machiavellian monster that is Sue Sylvester.
So in an attempt to convert my too-macho-for-their-own-good mates, I’ve compiled fifteen of the most despicable Sue Sylvester quotes from the first season of Glee.
In her own words: “You are about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: Horror!”
1. “You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You try to get rid of them, but they keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.”
2. “I've never wanted kids... don't have the time, don't have the uterus.”
3. "You know what, I checked out of our conversation about a minute back, so good luck with your troubles, and I'm gonna make it a habit not to stop and talk to students because this has been a colossal waste of my time."
4. “You have all the sexuality of all those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate."
5. "I'm reasonably confident that you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hair style that doesn't make you look like a lesbian.”
6. “I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.”
7. "I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I will steal away into your house and punch you in the face."
8. “Your delusions of persecution are a tell-tale sign of early stage paranoid schizophrenia.”
9. “I'm having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist, animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou.”
10. "Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger, like some sexually ambiguous horror villain."
11. “I am engorged with venom and triumph.”
12. "I, for one, think intimacy has no place in marriage. I walked in on my parents once and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling."
13. “Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies – limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.”
14. “Oh I will bring it, William. You know what else I'm gonna to bring? I'm gonna bring some Asian cookery to wipe your head with. Cause right now you've got enough product in your hair to season a wok.”
15. “Your resentment... is delicious.”
And that’s how Sue… C’s it!
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