Phallic Symbols for Dicks like Thimbles

Is there a better way to advertise your small penis than with the purchase of a 4X4?

When I was a kid there was no such thing as a luxury SUV. A Land Rover was an average car on the inside, just big and powerful enough to climb over rocks and Third World natives. Politicians drove Mercs, and only gung-ho game rangers and Indiana Jones wannabes tooled around in such metal monstrosities.

But nowadays it’s necessary for every little big man to own one; as though he expects it to drive out when he opens the zipper on his trousers.

It’s all there on Top Gear – the self-conscious small-man-syndrome sufferer; the grumpy, pube-haired geriatric; and the guy stuck in a mid-life crisis with the long, varsity student locks. Prime examples of the ‘my car is a penis’ candidate.

I suppose it’s not as scary and much less invasive than a penis enlargement, and most men know they’d get arrested for showing off their nob in the company parking lot.

You’d never see Dirk Diggler driving one of them. In fact, I’m sure pornstars are more prone to buying sports cars; secure in the scale of their naughty bits.

And these guys handle their large, unwieldy cars about as well as they’d handle a gigantic portion of man-mutton – uncontrollably straddling lanes, unable to fit it in a parking space, and ramming it up your arse on the road.

While they’re struggling to control their oversized substitute for a phallus, they don’t realise their purple-headed pygmy is actually controlling them.

The truly insecure will even force an overabundance of automobile on their wife. Even more heartbreaking than watching a woman struggle to parallel park one of these giants is the knowledge that she’s suffering for her husband’s Lilliputian love-muscle.

Man’s selfish insecurity is responsible for most of this world’s ills – war, colonisation, unprotected sex – and now, as he carelessly pollutes with his unnecessary gas-guzzler, Man can add the destruction of the environment to that list.

If only the humble, fuel-efficient, compact car could be advertised as the well-hung man’s preferred mode of transport. Maybe then marketers could do something useful for a change and save the world.