I’ve found myself in the probably-not-unique position of simultaneously loving movies and hating them at the same time.
This came to me one afternoon after watching the seventh Harry Potter instalment. You know, the one they’re making in two parts because, “the story’s just too big for one movie!”
Bollocks.
The reason, as everybody knows, is because now that the franchise is coming to a close they want to milk it for every last penny, cent and rupee possible.
On one hand this is not so bad. If you’re a fan of the angst-iuos boy wizard then an eighth part will make your wand stiffen. But on the other hand it’s kind of disappointing to know that the billions they made from all the other movies just wasn’t enough.
Despicable.
They’re doing the same for the Twilight movies. Which, again, is wonderful for washing powder manufacturers rubbing their hands together over the millions of panties that’ll need laundering, but excruciating for all the nice guys who agree to sit through the torment with their girlfriends.
Call me a grunting male stereotype, but the fact is I just don’t get the Twilight flicks. Women swoon over the vampire guy because he “so romantic and intense”, but the truth is most women would soon find him either boring or exhausting. And surely a guy who’s been alive for 500-odd years would think twice about marrying some chick he’s only known for a couple of months.
Nonsense.
A film that I haven’t seen on principle is the ‘Smurfs vs. GI Joe Movie’, aka: ‘Avatar’, aka: ‘Pocahontas in Space’. I’ve read the plot synopsis and a couple of reviews and it’s pretty much ‘Dances with Wolves’ in 3D.
What really made me howl with cynical laughter was the Director’s Cut re-release with an astonishing nine minutes of extra footage! It’s already over two and a half hours of explosions, what extra bits of revealing character development or exposition could we possibly get? The highest-grossing movie of all time, but that just wasn’t enough.
Greedy.
But I haven’t seen Avatar because something about it disturbed me almost as much as while watching the second Narnia movie (another me-being-a-good-boyfriend mistake), some guy in the back row started shouting something about how Jesus was coming back and we better all get our act together (true story).
I know that C.S Lewis was a card-carrying, door-knocking God-botherer, but as deluded as Christians are I thought it was on another level entirely to think that the production of Prince Caspian was more to prepare us for the Second Coming than to make a Dawntreader-load of cash.
Amusing.
I was uneasy about Avatar when people freaked out over me not having seen it. And I mean “freaked out” suicide bomber style. Grabbing-your-collar-to-shake-some-sense-into-you freaked out!
People almost writhed in agony when I said I wasn’t that interested, telling me it was the greatest cinematic achievement since The Godfather, Taxi Driver, or possibly even Steamboat Willy!
My theory is that for something to have such mass appeal by definition means it can’t be that deep or thought-provoking because, realistically, the majority of people don’t have such depth of thought.
Don’t take it personally. I’m not implying that by enjoying Avatar you’re a dribbling idiot, but you have to admit that the ‘message’ was nothing new.
But here I sit not having even seen the masterpiece. Who am I to talk?
As it happens someone gave us a copy of the film gratis, just so’s we’d watch it. So next time I sit here you might find me a changed man, longing for blue skin and a bar-brawler’s nose.
I hope I am pleasantly surprised, and not disappointed by just another special-effects laden, cash-generating turd.
Unlikely.
No comments:
Post a Comment