Finally! A way to get away with occasionally forgetting to feed the hamsters and watching all that porn!
Dirty hands washed clean, and all it takes is a vote for the ANC!
According to our fornicating, DA-hating prez, Jacob Zuma, “When you carry an ANC membership card you are blessed. When you have an ANC card, you will be let through to go to Heaven.”
He goes on to say that a vote for Helen Zille's Democratic Alliance or any other party is a one-way ticket to hellfire, brimstone, and no Johnny Walker Blue.
Understandably, this has upset holy-Joes nationwide, most notably African Christian Democratic Party paragon, Kenneth Meshoe, who railed about how “disappointed and shocked” he was with how Zuma could “mislead and deceive” dumb South Africans into believing they would be ‘saved’ if they just voted the right way.
And damn straight he should be pissed off, blessings from the Big Man (JC, not JZ) is all the ACDP has got going for them – it’s their sole platform… the soul platform, if I may.
If Meshoe had had a heads-up, he could have been sitting pretty long ago. Alas, that gravy train has left the station.
The problem I have with politicos punting piety is the same problem I have with pairing contradictory terms like ‘instant classic’, ‘military intelligence’, or ‘SABC news’. – it just doesn’t make sense.
The Christians next door wake me up at an ungodly hour (get it?) every Sunday morning with church bells and exhaust fume smells. Their cars parked willy-nilly, blocking up the street; the happy hooting as they leave, joyous in having staved off penance for the week’s sins.
Fucking inconsiderate, if you ask me! But not a far cry from clogging up half of Cape Town, inconveniencing lowly taxpayers with an Oscars-style red carpet ride when government ministers come back to work after the Christmas holidays.
With a bit more thought though, I reckon maybe the ANC isn’t as idiotic is we all might think.
Their main support base consists of the uneducated, rural masses – walking kilometres every day to get water, sending their sons off to the City in the hope of some cash to send home.
The possibility that God might look upon them more fondly if they pencil an X next to Zuma’s humpy head couldn’t hurt. No matter who’s in power, it’s not going to affect their lot in the foreseeable future so tata ma chance and all that.
But implying that the ANC is God’s party and that a vote the wrong way will get you to Hell is in line with saying that all whities are devils… which is a showerhead’s throw away from hate speech, surely.
Devils are evil. And evil should be vanquished. So let’s drive all the evil devils into the sea and take their nice things.
The only upswing I can see is that if Heaven is not only going to be full of self-righteous Christians, but incompetent ANC officials as well, then in Hell the conversation won’t only be better, but the place will be run a lot more efficiently to boot.
In that case, a blessing would have to come with horns, a pointy tail, and a pitchfork.
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