When the world ends you can only imagine the whining. “Ooh, you didn’t tell me about it.” ”It’s not fair, boo hoo.”
Or the self-righteous indignation. “How dare you!” “Do you know who I am!” “Do you think my cheeks are always this puffy!”
But it’s over. Deal with it.
Jesus is coming… look busy.
Actually, it’s probably not Jesus. It’ll more likely be those biblical biker bastards of the Apocalypse – War, Pestilence, Disease and Death… I might have said Eugene Terreblanche but we all know he can’t ride a horse.
Or not on horses or motorbikes but definitely BMW 4X4s – the ultimate nobs in the ultimate nob-mobiles.
How do I know the world is ending? Let me explain…
You know in all those alien invasion movies or when a meteor is about to crash into Earth and the one thing they all have in common is there’s a black president in the White House… there you go.
As an aside: I remember just before the Stateside elections when Obama’s granny died and they had that pic in the papers of him shedding just one tear and I said to a white woman in the queue at 7-Eleven, “His publicist must be doing cartwheels” and she said as though I hadn’t even spoken, “We’ve been listening to an old Prophets of the City song all morning at home” and then started singing “We’re gonna have a black president” as only a middle-aged white hippy can sing and I said, “Hold on a second, Mugabe’s black, Idi Amin was black. How on earth does that make a difference?” and she ignored me and took her milk and bread home with her and I thought isn’t rooting for Obama because he are black as racist as saying that in the latter part of the twentieth century there’ve been more dictators of colour than any one’s that are white, so who’s to blame for the sorry state of the world?
Another portent of our destruction is how godless we’ve all become!!! I mean how can we arrogantly believe that we evolved from monkeys? Is the explanation that God made Man out of dirt (hence the dirty thoughts) and then made Whoa-Man out of a rib (“Whoa man, that’s my fucking rib!”) not good enough for us anymore? The Big Man, getting bad press and no respect, is about ready to bust a cap for real.
As an aside: People who base the Bible’s legitimacy on the fact that it’s been around for a long time make me want to buy and bury Harry Potter novels all over the place so in a million years when humanity has destroyed itself and evolved all over again they’ll be saying things like, “For Dumbledore’s sake!” or “Voldemort made me do it!”
Or if you believe aliens created us and are watching from the mothership then it’s definitely all over. How fucking boring have we become? The last interesting decade was the 80s – the 90s only had paisley shirts and Britney Spears to offer and the 00s two crap Matrix sequels and everyone wanting to be a surfer-dude! If my name was Darlovax IV and I had access to a Deathstar-sized vaporizer it’d be curtains for the mundane meat-sacks.
So now we’ve established irrefutably that the world is coming to an end you’re probably wondering when the zombies will start to take over, because George Romero would no doubt agree it’s definitely zombies that are going to destroy civilization.
Hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s not zombies that will be the cause, it’s 3D cinema. Let me explain…
As all pirates will know covering one eye makes you lose depth perception – not good if you’re counting booty or counting on being a ping-pong pro.
The way we see three dimensions is that the shutters in our eyes open and close rapidly and we kind of see everything from two angles and they’re put together into one picture.
This is all very scientific, as you can see.
What 3D cinema does is cause your eye-shutters to open and close at megasupaspeed (a scientific term, trust me) thereby and thus causing your brain to (really) re-wire itself on the go. They say that watching 3D is bad (m’kay) for old people, children, and pregnant ladies (pregnant slappers can watch as much as they want).
But because 3D is kind of crap unless it’s cartoon, it’s mostly kids that watch it [insert dramatic music]!!!
There have been no studies on the effects of long term 3D watching, and now 3D tvs are coming out, and in ten years or so when the kiddies brains have all been re-mashed and filled with subliminal Coke ads and are generally of no use anymore we will have our first zombie-related incidents.
We all know this kind of infection spreads like margarine with low self-esteem and because their brains are of no use anymore they’ll all be walking around wanting to eat yours (it’s the fastest way of getting it back in their head) (it’s not like they want to eat your brain, they just want to borrow it).
I would go on to tell you that our only hope will be the combined might of William Shatner, David Hasselhoff, and Mr T, but I don’t want to spoil the ending.
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