Love Music, Hate Band Photos

These days the music is not enough. Those plying their trade, struggling to make a living, need more than their sound to make an impression on the paying public. Image seems to have overtaken imagination, but this is a necessary evil if one wants to make it in the industry.

So it’s understandable that musicians spend a good deal of time styling their hair, tearing their jeans, standing in front of a mirror asking themselves, “Do I look Emo enough?” or metal enough, African enough, or just generally cool enough.

And justifiably so; no one wants their favourite band looking like the guys from BZN, but more and more I see a textbook “band photo” on posters, album covers and in magazines and it’s making me not want to listen to music anymore.

Take the recent poster for the Toploader concert in Cape Town. Five guys trying really hard not to look like they’re named after a popular design of washing machine. The gruffest faces in the world couldn’t take that away and their music certainly isn’t doing the job. Put them there with an ironing board and some laundry; at least then we’ll think they’re in on the joke and quirky.

Really there are only four “band photo looks” in some kind of combination.

First, there’s the serious, I-just-found-out-I’ve-got-testicular-cancer face. He so badly wants to be the leader so maybe his mum will be proud of him. He honestly thinks what he’s doing is art and that music will one-day save the panda.

Then there’s Guy-laughing-at-some-unknown-hilarity, obviously going for the carefree and zany image but in reality the most insecure and attention-seeking of the lot. I always wonder if he’s really laughing or just posing with his head thrown back and mouth open.

Third on the list is the freshly-lobotomised look. This guy laces his coffee with Botox and has either been asked the square root of 587 or just come back from an electro-shock session.

And last nor least, the obligatory Guy-not-looking-at-the-camera. Pretending he’s too cool to even give a shit they’ve got a record out, he misguidedly believes girls would throw their panties at him anyway.

So what should I do? Only download? Randomly rock up at gigs? Stop listening to bands whose pictures irritate me? Help!