My Favourite Scary Movie Is 'An Inconvenient Truth'

A conclusion I’ve come to recently is that the only movies worth going to the cinema for are horror films.

It used to be ‘big screen extravaganzas’ that did it for me – Matrix, Armageddon, Avatar if you’d been previously lobotomised – but the last couple of effects-driven flicks I’ve graced with my spilled Coke and popcorn crumbs have been complete shite; the worst being the walked-out of Battleground: LA.

And if the point of the bioscope is to watch a movie rather than a social experience, what’s the point in seeing a comedy or drama?

But scary movies are different – especially on a Friday night in a packed theatre.

This idea started many moons ago when I went to see Halloween H20; not a great movie, but an entertaining audience.

Whenever Michael Myers appeared on-screen a section of the punters screamed. This caught on and soon the everyone was in on it. He’d jump out and there’d be shrieks, the camera would move to the virgin running away and when it moved back to Myers we’d all scream again… it was the best cinema experience I’d had without a blowjob in a long time.

And you’d make friends too. In the middle of a packed viewing of The Grudge, after a bone-rattling fright, the girl next to me turned and said, “God, I don’t know why I’m doing this!”

We ended up having a drink with her a bunch of her friends afterwards.

In my experience, the only movies these days with any audience participation are horror pics, and with Blu-Ray and gigantic tellies at home the big screen experience can be enjoyed with comfy couches and bog breaks – so the moviehouse needs something else to get my weeks wages for popcorn.

Maybe it’s different in England, because the first movie Lucy and I went to together (Drag Me To Hell) she asked, “Why is everyone laughing?”

It’s not because us South Africans laugh in the face of blood and gore, I told her, it’s because this is so close to Real Life in SA that we’re just relieved it’s not happening to us.

The only problem is that ninety-nine percent of horror movies are unoriginal, badly acted and cheesy enough to be stuck on a mousetrap – but maybe one day studios will cotton on and pump some money into decent scripts and directors.

But there’s more chance of being attacked by a chainsaw-wielding Saint Bernard wearing a Linda Blair mask than that happening so...