The Quotable Malema

If it was put to a vote, I’d bet that the majority of South Africans would ditch the proposed ‘African Union’ for the cooler sounding ‘United States of Africa’. Not because of any conceptual conflict, but just coz here in SA we’re kind of obsessed with anything American.

They’ve got bimbo Paris Hilton – we’ve got Khanyi Mbau. They’ve got floppy haired, reality show rich guy Donald Trump – we’ve got BEE wannabe Tokyo Sexwale.

And do I even need to mention Chuck Norris and Steve Hofmeyer?

Most of the time the Yanks top us, but when it comes to embarrassing politicians a hundred Bushes and Palins couldn’t reach the wading-in-his-own-bullshit ankles of our own Julius Malema.

I’ve picked ten of my fave quotes from Sir Juju on a number of topics, but there are hundreds more.

Here goes:

1. On the ANC’s chances of a two-thirds majority: “Two-third majority? Our aim is a three-thirds majority!” (My guess is that his maths is as bad as his woodwork.)

2. On rape: “When a woman didn’t enjoy it, she leaves early in the morning. Those who had a nice time will wait until the sun comes out, request breakfast and ask for taxi money.” (That's why, guys, it's safer for your confidence levels if you get a flat near a taxi rank.)

3. In response to his 14 traffic fines (over five grand): "I only know revolution, I don’t know anything about driving.” (Sounds like most of the taxi drivers.)

4. To a BBC journalist: “Rubbish is what you have covered in that trousers!” (The journo obviously forgot to comb his pubes that morning.)

5. On Zuma (in 2009): “If Zuma is corrupt, then we want him with all his corruption. We want him with all his weaknesses. If he is uneducated, then we want him as our uneducated president.” (Luckily for Zuma, SA women have such low standards as well.)

6. In a Third Degree interview with Debra Patta, asked if he would kill himself after failing Matric: “Kill myself? I would rather commit suicide!” (Well, what can you say to that?)

7. On the Caster Semenya scandal: “Hermaphrodite, what is that? Somebody tell me, what is hermaphrodite in Pedi? There's no such thing... hermaphrodite... in Pedi. So don't impose your hermaphrodite concepts on us.” (Actually, there is a word for 'hermaphrodite' in Pedi - it's 'Kgalamatona'.

8. After a complaint about noise from a party at his house: ““Do you know who I am? Do you know what I can do? Who the fuck are you?” (As far as catchphrases go, that's gotta be up there.)

9. On why he doesn’t read the newspaper: "When I want to know about a certain country I will make a research about it and go through the relevant material. I don't just read everything that is going to mislead me." (That's just what I said to the guy handing out free copies of The New Age.)

10. And the famous: "We are prepared to die for Zuma! We are prepared to take up arms and kill for Zuma!” (After the uproar he explained that the word 'kill' was used to show 'love and compassion'... he then asked for taxi money.)

We can look forward to even more when we elect Juju as our 'President for Life' in 2019 or around there.

So proud!

Floyd Shivambu should Remove his Foot & Wash his Mouth out with Soap!

I was always under the impression that a spokesperson was a sort of PR person for a company, celebrity or political party – there to make their employer look intelligent, thoughtful and concerned about whatever issues they wanted to appear concerned about.

But it seems to work a bit differently in South Africa, where ANCYL spokesman Floyd Shivambu seems to think the term ‘Rainbow Nation’ refers to the use of politicians’ colourful language.

On YouTube we can listen to the recorded telephone call from News24 reporter Jacques Domisse to Shivambu, in which the rather dim-witted sounding Shiv tells Domisse: “…you cannot force yourself to speak to people if they do not speak to you.” and then proceeds to tell the probably-rubbing-his-hands-with-glee journo to “fuck off”.

Then, a few days later, in lieu of an apology, he said that the report’s aim was to “divert attention” from the League’s national conference resolutions, and that reporters wanted to "engage in disgustingly provocative methods and means of engagement".

The “provocative” engagement on Domisse’s part was to ask for Julius Malema’s comments on the R78 000 His Jujuness spent at the Royal Malewane lodge, seeing as the Youth League prez likes to punt himself as a “champion of the poor”.

Baleka Mbete, the ANC’s chairperson, condemned the behaviour as being “unacceptable” – of course, in ANC-speak this means we’ll wait for it to blow over and forget about it.

It’s easy to write this off as arrogance or stupidity, but I think Shivambo is ahead of his peers when it comes to media relations.

He knows that when the Secrecy Bill kicks off they’ll be able to dispense with the tired response of “No comment!” and simply tell nosy media pigs to just “Fuck off!”

Bond in the Bo-Kaap

As far as counter-revolutionaries go, James Bond must be right at the top of Julius Malema’s shitlist – Bond is the supreme mlungu.

The latest Bond novel, Carte Blanche by Jeffrey Deaver, has the MI6 assassin travelling to Cape Town’s Bo-Kaap, “eat[ing] bobotie” and “drink[ing] Zulu beer” – possibly because the waiter thought caviar was a brand of running shoe, and there’s no way he’d find a decent martini in Long Street.

One can only imagine Bond emptying his Walther into an attacker in a curious neon-yellow bib, completely unaware that it was just the car guard about to demand a “Five Rand” for his efforts.

I wonder if Her Majesty’s most famous spy, his mind on more important matters such as saving the world, would bother to find a bin for all the nightclub pamphlets stuffed behind his windscreen wiper or if he’d just throw them in the gutter?

“The Mother City features in more than half of the book and next time you walk through the streets of Cape Town, you may just look at it through different eyes,” writes Claire of Jonathan Ball Publishers.

What? We might imagine the streets of Cape Town rife with gunfire and intimidation? Violence and murder?

Not a stretch, I’ll be honest.

What does require an elasticity of the imagination is Bond teaming up with “a feisty police inspector in the SAPS” – all the coppers I’ve come across are more rotund than ripped, and about as feisty as the wife before her morning tea.

Bond villains have always been eccentric, and the everyday Capey with no front teeth, cap balancing precariously on his head and pants around his knees must have made JB paranoid beyond belief.

Was it intentional to name the book after MNET’s most famous investigative journalism show from the telly? Maybe he gets to meet Derek Watts – who’d definitely remind him of Jaws – or, Heaven forbid, he shags presenter Ruda Landman!

Malema, of course, would assume the British beefcake’s inherent racism as the reason he only visited the Mother City, but really they have a lot in common.

Both like to wear fancy watches, imbibe only the most expensive alcohol, and James and Juju know the importance of smart suits and automatic weapons. They also have the same views when it comes to a “nice time” without any future responsibilities.

Maybe in the next novel they’ll team up to nationalise the mines.

The Tea Girl's Beautiful Brew

More prone to racist slurs and incitant songs, it’s not surprising that Julius Malema refused to debate Lindiwe Mazibuko, referring to her as the “tea girl of the madam”.

“I’m not debating the service of the madam,” Malema moaned.

Helen Zille – leader of the Democratic Alliance, Premier of the Western Cape and Juju’s least favourite “madam” – said it was more likely that Malema was “terrified” and (being the sexist buffoon he is) didn’t want to lose to a woman.

Now we all know Julius couldn’t argue his way out of a paper bag, but after seeing Mazibuko’s impressive performance on e-TV where she even managed to shut Debra Patta up I don’t really blame him for running.

It would be like bringing a Ping-Pong paddle to a gunfight; the plastic balls bouncing off a bulletproof Mazibuko as Malema was mowed down with articulate ammunition.

Malema is a kapokkie in revolutionary clothing. Like a big cock rooster he puffs up his chest and struts around like he’s important… but really just makes a lot of noise.

Lindiwe Mazibuko, on the other hand, is well-spoken and knowledgeable. She has been elected to Parliament and is the DA’s National Spokesperson and Shadow Deputy Minister of Communications.

Malema is not much more than a bad stand-up comedian; a raffish rabble-rouser getting grunting guffaws from his asinine audience.

In a unique strategy, the DA has produced a politician who actually answers questions in a way that makes sense and refrains from adopting the clichéd public officials’ trait of ‘talking for a very long time but not saying anything’.

Julius Malema, so fond of pocketing people according to colour, fails to see the yellow glow emanating from his bloated belly.

But the jaundiced Juju should know that his cowardice will not go unnoticed by all, and soon the chickens will come home to roost... and take him along with them.

Reservoir Hyenas

Looking at the photos of his court appearance, I reckon Julius Malema might just be the greatest politician South Africa has ever seen.

Like a Tarantino creation, he strutted into the Johannesburg High Court flanked by automatic weapon wielding bodyguards, afraid that the Afriforum tree-huggers might pop a cap in his taxpayer-fattened ass. Or maybe he was afraid that the “boers” he so wanted to “shoot” would do the job.

The case of hate speech has been brought against him by human rights group, Afriforum, for singing Ayesaba Amagwala, known as the ‘Kill the Boer’ song.

There were no angry Afrikaans protesters. No placards saying “kill the doos”. No “bloody agents” with “rubbish in [their] trousers” calling for his thick head. There were only ANCYL supporters out for some Malema magic – better than old Steven Seagal reruns on SABC any day.

But he knew that already, and calling him thick-headed is wrong.

Malema is smart enough to know that by making him a martyr would only make his legend greater. And without any real threat, he knows he needs to create a threat in the minds of his supporters. Even if the threat is a fiction, it still gives him power.

He is right to call the prosecution “Mickey Mouses”. Compared to the movie star that is Malema, they are lowly television continuity announcers.

Like Jacob Zuma, singing his machine gun song and dancing his way into power, Malema is a showman of the highest order.

He knows that the South African political arena is a circus; a show not meant to inform or educate, but to entertain. He knows the public is becoming bored with just comedy and drama, and in a successful effort to score points with his audience, has added an element of action to it all.

As long as he keeps his audience entertained they will keep watching, keep supporting.

I believe this boy will be president one day. And when that happens, we can expect the horror movie to begin.