Boobs on the Boob-Tube

Television in the late Noughties and early, what?,Teenies, is starting to remind me of what movies were like in the Eighties.

Not because all the fading Nineties movie stars are rebirthing their careers in shows like CSI and Law & Order, but because so many tv shows feel that a story can’t be told unless a horde of nameless, forgettable actresses get their baps out.

It seems that the evolution of storytelling will eventually end in a channel-surf with wave after wave of porn and some news and cartoons in between. I expect to be washed ashore confused by Cow & Chicken, depressed by Third World corruption, and sporting a massive erection.

But it’s not just an oversaturation of Bristol Cities that stirs our loins, we need exploding heads and severed limbs too. As though producers can’t decide if we’re more aroused by a naked lady engaging in carnal conduct, or slow-motion headbutts and multi-angle roundhouse kicks.

Personally, I blame Sex & the City. Those girls made it okay to show boobs on the boob-tube, coz if it’s good for the feminists then it’s good for the chauvinists.

Not for me, though, because I’ve always believed that the concepts of sex and Sarah Jessica Parker should never be paired.

Too skinny for my taste.

In many ways television is now better than the Big Screen. At least the popcorn’s cheaper, and if you need a cup of tea or a leak there is the handy commercial break. But that’s all the ads are good for and really I prefer buying the box set and viewing and entire season in one rainy weekend.

These days all I have to worry about is strategic product placement, and if that was working I’d be driving an Aston Martin and drinking vodka martinis. So good to be able to hide my under-achieving behind a faux Zen-like contempt for material possessions.

In truth, though, I don’t really mind being tricked into buying useless luxuries, I just find the constant interruption annoying. I’d rather they put the ads into subtle, subliminal flashes.

That way they could market the BMWs behind the boobies, and the face packs after the face punches.