The Eighth Deadly Sin

After a near-death experience involving chopsticks, a small Asian woman, and a particularly authentic Jungle Curry from Yindee’s the other night, I decided I better check my status with the bossman upstairs.

Apparently, it’s not looking so good.

I wasn’t sure if the Ten Commandments had rendered the Seven Deadly Sins redundant, so I asked around. My enquiry was mostly met with a kind if glazed expression, followed by a quick check of the watch and rapid re-memory of an urgent proctologist appointment.

I decided to run with the seven. Mainly because there’s less to remember and I prefer Brad Pitt to Charlton Heston.

We all know the seven most reprehensible characteristics are lust, greed, gluttony, pride, envy, sloth and wrath.

I considered these and then considered myself.

My ratings weren’t looking good. Just the other night I was slobbed out on the couch eating my third bag of Cheese Curls, watching a Jessica Simpson movie and wishing I had Apple TV like Mark.

That’s four right there!

I think humanity’s pretty screwed all round. Just looking out my window made me feel better – at least I’ll have company, I thought.

And then I thought that maybe God left out the most inexcusable and common sin of all. Call it the Eighth Deadly Sin, or even better, push it right to the top of the list.

I’m talking about the inexcusable and incredibly annoying trait of attention-seeking.

We used to think that it was only little kids who broke a vase, started crying, or messed around with a Ouija board to get their parents to punch them in the face.

But people everywhere, of every age, seem to think they need a good face-punching.

Psychologist M. Farouk Radwan, of course, lays the blame squarely on the shoulders of parents – mommy didn’t hug you enough and daddy was too busy playing golf to stick your bunny drawings on the fridge.

Narcissists also want your attention all the time, but I tend to ignore them because I know I’m much more interesting.

Children naturally think they’re the centre of the universe, but wouldn’t seeing to their every whim and constantly telling them they special make that worse?

How do we stop ourselves wearing jauntily-angled Emo hats and blaring hip-hop out our car windows? Is my haircut going to draw more attention to me if it’s not the same as everyone else’s? Is it my fault when children point at my hairy ears and shout, “Shrek! Shrek!”?

Through much spiritual reflection and great philosophical reasoning I was comforted by the thought that I’m not a “beautiful and unique snowflake” but merely as poked as everyone else in God’s eyes.

It made it much easier to not change and carry on my heathen-esque existence. Heaven probably wouldn’t be a good idea for me anyway – it’d be full of Christians!

So I’ll just order a double and a side of chillies and let the super-sized fries fall where they may. Have fun, that’s my motto, and I’ll see you in Hell.

Words: Nathan Casey
Photography: Ross Hillier (http://rosshillier.com)