The American Version

Growing up I was often forced to break the law.

My parents were criminals not because they robbed banks or blew up shopping malls, but because our house was practically a warehouse of books and films banned by the Apartheid government.

Of course, it didn’t take much for the forever-frowning, downturned-mouth racists at the board of censors to ban something. Most of it was laughable; like the banning of the novel ‘Black Beauty’ for obvious, albeit ridiculous, reasons.

It was hard to get good telly. You see, the British were holding ‘Free Mandela’ rallies and imposing sanctions, and my parents couldn’t bear the thought that their kids would have to make do with American television.

So mum and dad would sneak in bootleg copies of ‘The Benny Hill Show’ and ‘Fawlty Towers’ – the kind of thought-provoking art they knew mattered.

The Americans, who didn’t have a problem with Apartheid because they thought all blacks were Communists, flooded our market and our tv screens with ‘Airwolf’, ‘The A-Team’ and ‘Murder She Wrote’.

I don’t think anyone will seriously argue the superiority of British television. I believe this is mainly because in Hollywood original thought is for amateurs.

And of all the Yank shows stolen from the Brits I can’t think of one Brit show stolen from the Yanks.

The British also manage to restrain themselves; with the average show lasting maybe three or four seasons no matter how popular it is. Americans, on the other hand, will milk the cow until its udder turns to dust. It’s all fair play if it’s a show you love, but more often than not the Yanks run it drier than a cheap table wine and by the time the show is cancelled it’s become so lame your entire memory of it is ruined.

And it’s all such flag-waving masturbation. If you believe films like ‘Saving Private Ryan’ you’d think that it was only the Yanks who fought World War 2. I mean, did anyone even know that Australia was involved in the Vietnam War?

The irony is that in South Africa, even though the American government supported the National Party’s retarded policies, we still love them so much that half the country puts on a fake Wesley Snipes accent.

I think Ernest Hemingway said that “a good writer borrows, but a great writer steals.” So, of course, I could just be full of shit.